Pleasure Enemy #1: Overcoming Societal Shame Around Sex

When I was in my youth I approached sex with a level of enthusiasm that was untainted by outside voices. I wanted to have it as often as possible and I absolutely loved doing it. Unfortunately It didn’t take long for society and my peers to quickly let me know that to have such an unapologetic attitude towards sex as a young woman was not okay. I guess I wasn't privy to the rules. “Do it but don’t enjoy it TOO much. It must be done in a committed monogamous partnership in order for you to be worthy of respect and your worth will diminish while the worth of your male counterparts will elevate.” In terms of the socialization of girls and women, I had much work ahead of me in overcoming societal shame around sex.

when shame creeps in and hijacks our natural desire as soon as we feel it, we are forced to shut down our bodies inner pleasure signals, the ones that tell us what feels good and what doesn’t, and what we want or don’t want to do. It can lead to the internalization that our desire and subsequent pleasure isn't safe.

For me, this early conditioning turned sex into something that just felt like going through the motions of what I thought was expected of me, often performative and cut off from my true pleasure and the real reason I was drawn to it in the first place, which was the simple fact that for me, phenomenal sex is one of the greatest parts about being human.

It can be incredibly illuminating and liberating to explore and examine all the ways you have internalized shame around your sexuality. It's pervasive and sneaky and may even disguise itself as your own perceived virtues that have gone relatively if not completely unexamined since initial programming took place

Shame can keep us feeling wrong for our preferences, likes and dislikes, turn ons, sexual orientation, true authentic expressions with partners, self pleasure, the way we feel about our bodies and the list goes on. On top of that, most adults in our culture haven’t fully matured around the topic of sex and it’s much easier to speak about it in a joking way than being earnest and open about it to anyone including your partner(s)

Purity culture, religion and gender roles can also play a big part in our programming and the simple act of sex by its very nature can feel salacious and wrong in the face of cultures collective judgments, fear and beliefs. It’s only when we take a close look at where shame keeps us stuck, embarrassed, shy, judgmental, “bad” and shut down, we can start to shed it.

The simple act of outing or sharing your shame in a safe space can be very cathartic and healing, allowing those repressed and hidden aspects to emerge from the shadows and slowly begin to loosen their grip.

For me when I really examined the origins of my own sexual shame, which for me was the dreaded oh so typical slut shaming that I had avalanched upon me at a young age that I began to have the best sex of my life because I began to take back and integrate my inner slut, the one that loves sex more than chocolate ice cream and epic ocean side magic hour sunsets on mushrooms. I felt free, unbridled.

What transpired for me was, I could let my full freak flag fly during more casual encounters because there was safety in the notion that I didn’t have anything to lose so it wasn’t until I brought my full self into my marriage that I felt very vulnerable and exposed- old embedded fears which were symptoms of shame reared there heads and my body would freeze at the thought of respect lost.

So I held back- and when I say shame is a trickster I really thought I was having the best sex possible because i’m a very sensual, orgasmic person and a passionate roll in the hay mixed with great skill is what I would describe as fantastic- and my husband is a great lover, one of the main reasons I chose to spend my life with him;)

but when I got really honest with myself and got deeper into the study of sexology I was able to see how much I was repressing the inner slut, shaming her and denying her to keep myself safe. I felt so sad. I cried…a lot. And it was incredibly healing to just simply admit it if only to myself first.

A beautiful truth about human connection is that shame melts away in the face of a secure attachment to another. When we share our full sexual truths in safe spaces, and are met with acceptance and celebration, deep healing can take place.

Opening up about our shame, gives us the opportunity to connect, normalize, and even celebrate the parts we keep hidden and realize just how beautifully human it is so we can better enjoy without apologizing for our real and honest selves.

When I was able to express all of this to my husband-and let’s just say he really understood the assignment- it was some of the deepest healing work i’ve ever done. And I say this as someone who has sought out many healing modalities throughout my entire life, meditation, shamanic plant medicine journeys, years of therapy-you name it.

being able to reclaim what i’ve repressed, fully embody it and not only be accepted for it but praised and adored for it was a revelation of epic proportions. I unlocked my deepest core desire- to be celebrated for being. A . SLUT. by someone who loves and respects me. And not only accepts and celebrates it but loves me even more because of it, not despite it

Now not everyone with a slut wound will have their core desires play out this way. But for me, it unlocked something in my heart and soul that I desperately needed Think of your shame as clues leading you to your deepest pleasure

The truth is, our most pleasurable experiences are when we can show up fully expressed, embodied, unapologetic, accepted and in the flow. Self consciousness and fearful reservations about our authentic erotic expression block that flow

The REAL nitty gritty of sex isn’t openly talked about often, and when it is, it's often painted as perverse, dirty or taboo. it’s easy to feel like there’s something inherently wrong with the many things that are completely natural and a lot more common than you may think, kinks and all….did I mention human? We are sexual creatures, god forbid we have a phenomenal time while we’re at it!

my hope for you is that you take time to explore the depths of your unique and beautiful eroticism and get as intimate with yourself as you can, lay down your self judgment and celebrate what it is that truly turns you on in this life xo